Where I’m still me

I want to go home,

Where I’m free,

Where I’m still me

 

Where I look in my mind,

And find more than empty space,

The face of someone I love,

whose name I can’t remember,

 

I remember how they sound,

Now I’m lost, never found

Can you tell me? Who I am? Where I go?

Please tell me.

Because I don’t know.

 

I want to go home,

Where I’m free,

Where I’m still me,

 

Where my brain’s not mush, hush the nurses

Go,

The meds are good for me they say,

But they would, it’s their way,

As day after day,

I take tablet and pill,

Knowing they’ll kill me

 

Them.  The Men Downstairs,

They come for me,

But I can’t walk, can barely talk, let alone scream,

It’s just a bad dream

I’m going to wake up soon

Why am I not waking up?

 

I want to go home,

Where I’m free,

Where I’m still me

 

Where they haven’t taken my money

And, no, it’s not funny

Why are you laughing?

Stop laughing.

As I’m crying, dying,

Willing for the pain to stop,

To have my mind back

To feel like me again

 

Tell me,

Where’s my baby,

She was crawling, bawling, calling for her mum,

I’m coming, darling,

Where are you?

Where am I?

What’s this black

That’s pulling me back

To my foggy mind

And everything I’ve left behind

 

I want to go home

Where I’m free,

Where I’m still me,

 

Where there’s my Claire,

With her smile

That makes it all worthwhile

And I love her

How she never lies

Never makes me hate

Wait to say I love you

 

I love how she gossips, her husky voice,

Her laugh like summer rain,

Right now, there’s a freight train

Pounding in my head, I wish I was dead,

Because I need to remember, but I can’t,

What’s wrong with me?

 

I want to go home,

Where I’m free

Where I’m still me

 

Where I don’t have to watch Jeremy Kyle

Forced to shout bingo

Oh god no,

Where I don’t have to sing with Vera Lynn,

Where I don’t struggle to live,

Where I don’t smell,

Where I’m not in hell,

 

I want to go home,

Where I’m free,

Where I’m still me,

 

Where there’s my baby girl,

My daughter,

Right now, I’m underwater

Drowning in the depths of my soul

In the hole where I lose who I am

 

I’m an empty shell,

And who will I tell,

Who will listen to me?

A crazy old man,

Invisible.

A ghost, chained to this earth,

Forced to live a lie

And please, God, let me die

 

I want to go home,

Where I’m free,

Where I’m still me,

Where I’m not deaf

Where every breath

Stolen from my body

Doesn’t leave me in agony

 

Where I’m not shutting down,

Where my face isn’t stitched in a frown,

Where I’m not lying in my own piss and shit

And don’t worry,

I’m not sorry if that offends you,

Not one bit,

 

I want to go home,

Where I’m free

Where I’m still me

 

Where I can wipe my own fucking arse

Maybe that lacks class, but give me a pass,

Because I should be able to

Say what I want

To whom I want

When I want,

But I can’t,

Because I don’t know what I want,

Who I am? Where to go?

Please tell me,

Because I don’t know

 

 

I want to go home,

Where I’m free,

Where I’m still me

Because I am still me

I am still me

I am still me

Am I still me?

*Author’s Notes*

If you think dementia is living in some blissful ignorance, you couldn’t be more wrong.

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