In the last three years, I’ve been eating my way around England one city at a time. I’ve eaten some delicious food and some not so delicious food. This list is about the latter.

A quick disclaimer: don’t expect to see a fast-food chain or supermarket meal deal. I didn’t go to the likes of Lincoln, Lancaster and Plymouth to eat KFC or Mcdonalds. Instead I aimed to eat either traditional or local food, or at the very least, from independent businesses.

5. Burned burger in Norwich

I’ve already spoken at length about my dislike of the dull, lifeless Norwich. You can read more about that here. One of the biggest reasons was the food. In the centre of town there is a big food market offering cuisine from all around the world. Thai, Indian, Chinese, Carribean etc. Paralysed by choice, I left my decision up to gods. I trusted my fate to a random number generator. And it backfired majorly. Because it told me that I had to eat the driest, blandest burger ever.

Obviously I have free will and I could have chosen what I liked. If I had the choice to pick again, I definitely would not be choosing that burger.

4. Ham and Cheese toastie in Sunderland

As well as making sure I am supporting local businesses, I want to make sure I’m getting value for money. Translation? I’m a massive cheapskate and don’t like paying lots of money on my lunch.

This usually means walking around the city centre to ensure I’m getting the best deal. Sometimes I see a place and make a note to return there only to end up in a different part of town. When you’re starving hungry, this isn’t always the best strategy. This is what happened in Sunderland when I found myself out in the sticks. my only option was to eat at the cafe that was part of St Peter’s Parish church.

It was volunteer-run and everybody was very friendly, but, as you can imagine, the cafe only served the most basic of food: soups, sandwiches and salad. I got a ham and cheese toastie for £4. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting Michelin star, but a ham and cheese toastie is a ham and cheese toastie. Basic and unfilling.

3. Fish and chips in Portsmouth

Remember how I just said I like to scout out the whole city to make sure I was getting the best value for money? Portsmouth is why.

What is England’s most famous food? If you said fish and chips then, well done, you’ve just won a million pounds. When tourists come to London, they always ask me where they can eat the best fish and chips. My answer? Don’t eat fish and chips in London. Most likely, it will be frozen. Instead you need to go to a seaside city. By that logic, you think I would have had amazing fish and chips in the coastal city of Portsmouth. That’s what I thought too.

You can only imagine my disappointment when I went to a cafe a hundred metres from the seafront and I was served frozen, over-cooked fish paired with unseasoned chips. The best of Birds Eye and my punishment for going to the first place I saw. I was starving though. But it was bad. I had better fish and chips in Lichfield and that’s a land-locked city nowhere near the coast.

2. Pani Puri in Gloucester

Similar to Norwich, you will not find Gloucester in my top five favourite cities. Rather you will find it in the opposite list. Why? The main reason was the food.

In Gloucester, I tried the Indian street food Pani Puri for the first time. I didn’t know what to expect. What I was not expecting was for the puri to be drowning in the mint and coriander dip. It made the flatbread shell so soggy. I need to have proper pani puri. Surely it can’t really be like that.

1. Chickpea salad in Derby

Vegan food gets a bad rep. Don’t worry, I’m not here to radicalise you, but I have eaten it before and I am open to eating it again. I just wish I hadn’t eaten it in Derby. And especially not from the vegan cafe between the station and the shopping centre. It might have been okay if their Veda wraps weren’t sold out – the same with the vegetable curry. My third choice was a chickpea salad – quite literally a tin of chickpeas and a few lettuce leaves. That was it. Tasteless, bland and unfilling. Completely pointless.

Maybe I should have had lunch in the food court instead, but I went there for dinner and I ate a dry Mediterranean platter.

One may argue that most of these poor eating choices could have been avoided if I was a bit more discerning in my choices. This might be where I would put my usual disclaimer of “try these places for yourselves and form your own opinion,” but you might be better off giving these places a miss.